Paris in the Spring, Punks in the Sun

Lucky/Gutsy

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            “We’re closing,” the manager said, not unkindly. I layered on some warm clothing, hoisted my backpack, and began a slow trek along the glistening sidewalk of the Champs Élysées.

            It was 2am, and I had spent the last five hours in McDonalds, using perhaps the only free WiFi in Paris to scramble for a couchsurfing host until my laptop died. Afterwards, I got a little sleep in a corner of the restaurant. If it kept raining, I knew I was in for a long night.

            There’s a paradox to homelessness: as long as you’re unobtrusive, it’s easiest to be a bum in affluent areas. People leave meals half-finished on the table, and shops throw food out on its best before date, creating a hobo’s buffet; there’s often more public transit; and – the best part in an unfamiliar city – orienting yourself is easy. Supposing I had…

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Time Travel …and stuff.

Time Machine

RL’s rendering of Time

Time Travel and stuff…

I like to read, but I only like to read non-fiction, yet still have an interest in fantasy and the what “might-be’s” in life. It truly keeps life more interesting. I have always had an obsession with history as it combines my like for the truth with the need to use imagination to envision and fill in the gaps. History isn’t just a bunch of facts, it’s about philosophy, the what-if’s, the theories and the speculations. That is what makes studying history not only interesting, but continuously thought provoking and titillating.

Along with my large interests in history in general, I have always been drawn to the history of religions and faiths. I am including here everything from the history of Christianity, the conspiracies of the Vatican, Scientology, the study of the God’s of Egypt to Greece and all in between. Lumped in that interest, I find compelling the study of cults, the occult, the esoteric philosophies of the new age thinkers, Renaissance realists and so on.  There really is no end to my interests of the unknown, and it never fails that I find some pretty fascinating topics during my research of these things. Hence, time traveling!

Now, I am not a huge conspiracy theorist, nor am I completely off my rocker, but, I can’t help but find these kind of stories absolutely fascinating. The dreamer inside of me never says absolutely no to these events possibly existing, as I fear life would become incredibly boring if I discredited all the fantasy that I find. While I do not understand the physics and the science behind time travel, I do know it has something to do with the speed of light and worm holes. And besides, Albert Einstein said it was possible, and that man was frieken awesome!

The picture that peaked my interest in all of this is right below..

Time Travel

This picture is from the Virtual Bralorne Pioneer Museum, from British Columbia, Canada.

Do you spot Waldo??  It is one of the most common pictures that will come up if you image search time travel proof. It certainly is a very absorbing picture and maybe I’m a little kooky, but it looks like Ben Affleck too!

Clearly, this man does not belong in this photograph, but is it enough to call it proof of time travel? Or was he a trend-setter for his generation? Either way, it’s got my attention!

There are a few stories and pictures that are supposedly proof of time travel, and I will let ya’ll search for them if you so desire, but it got me thinking about this tiny little life that we live. I find comfort perhaps in thinking that his world is bigger than our brains can imagine. That life may not be so linear after all, and to me, this is almost proof in the life after death debate. After losing my entire family, it is, more than ever, important for me to grasp at these signs, at these possibilities, as it brings me joy and comfort, that perhaps they are really not that far away after all.

If I had my own time machine, I would certainly travel into the past.  I would want to go back “home,” smell my mother’s amazing cooking, see my dad doting over the family dog, and sit down to dinner with my favorite people in the world.  My family.  I would have no interest in the seeing the future.  I can already predict that it will not be pretty for the world, pretty for our country, and quite frankly, I might blow my brains out if I knew there was more devastation and heartache to come in my future.

Sometimes, I suspect that I am already capable of time travel.  There are moments when I can actually smell my mother’s perfume, when I can hear my dad’s voice, and I can visual every chip in the paint, the colors of the wood, the cracks in patio.  I can recall the sound of the floors creaking, the way the wind sounded blowing through the maple tree, and  can even imagine the designs of the dishes and which ones would be on the drying rack right this moment.  Sometimes these visions are comforting, but more times than not, they are haunting.  They haunt me every day, yet my soul yearns for those memories while my heart shatters over them.

Wow.  How did time travel become so depressing?

XO all yours,

rikkylynn

Living Under Rocks …and oh yes, Scottish Independence

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Ever since I began my new job a little over a year ago, I have essentially been living under a rock.  Most days, I am up at 2am and clocking in at 4am.  This also means, that I am usually in bed before the sun goes down, so I can get up well rested, and do it all again tomorrow.  I really do enjoy my schedule, of course it took some adjustment, but I rarely get the opportunity to watch the news anymore.  I used to have a pretty good grasp on the world and what was going on in politics, in the media, and even celebrity news, but the past year I depend on my “news,” through third parties, if it so happens to come up, and it’s usually during a tipsy conversation during a night out on the town.   I suppose I could find the time to check out the newspaper, or even put my smart phone to good use, but to be honest, I have been a lot happier not reading about the animal cruelty, the child abuse, and the stupid wars we are fighting.  I have been a lot calmer not hearing about our silly political debates and how, for the millionth year in the row, we cannot find a way to come to bipartisan agreements for the betterment of our country.  I am not naïve, I realize that people suffer, are suffering, and will suffer in the future.  It breaks my frieken heart open.  But it IS nice, not to be reminded of this on a daily basis.  Ignorance is bliss my friends.

Ok.  End rant.  Back to Scottish Independence.  I understand why Scotland wants independence.  I live in a somewhat independent country, and I still want independence!  As one who tends to be more liberal and leans more to the left, I can understand Scotland’s need to want to separate from their more conservative neighbors in the UK.  I imagine it would be something like removing me from my New England life, and dropping me somewhere in the South and telling me I now had to believe in, support, and spend my money on the ideals of right-winged America. While I support differing opinions, I’d be calling bullshit too!

 

Do I really care if Scotland becomes independent?  I’m not sure yet.  I thought that I would take a little of my free time and try to educate myself on the impact that their freedom would have on our country, and on me.  Let’s face it, I’m American and selfish, what does Scottish independence do for MY life?  Well, let me tell YOU!  According to Lord Robertson, (former NATO secretary,) it would mean a more dangerous world for me… and you.. to live in.  I like danger, so I kept on reading what this intelligent man had to tell me.  I further learned that the fear of Scotland separating from the UK, would possibly push and promote other countries to separate and seek independence from their greater nations as well.  We would essentially be traveling back into time, when Europe was made of many little independent countries who were constantly at strife and war with each other (Parker, 2014).  With too many chefs in the kitchen, comes a dinner that nobody wants to eat!

While I agree that breaking Europe into too many smaller parts would make it nearly impossible for big decisions to be made and harder to keep track of alliances and treaties, I’m not sure it concerns me too much.  We are one nation here in the U.S. and we can’t make a damn decision to save our souls either!  It’s not that we are in strife with other nations, we have enough strife among ourselves to make running this government damn near impossible lately.   I loathe fear propaganda.  While I am not discrediting the argument in it’s entirety, there is a hint of desperation in the voice of the article whispering, “take a stand against Scotland’s independence U.S.,  get involved in one more thing that you should have kept your face out of, or this could be the end of your country….”  That’s what I might have heard …did you hear it too?

I believe the bigger dilemma is for England herself.  With Scotland leaving, it would leave over 50 seats open in the government that would be overtaken by the right wing enthusiasts of Britain (Johnson, 2014).  Oh, how I do feel for those liberal minded souls that will be left in the UK, and the voice that they will no longer have.  I see that as the bigger problem here.

Scotland seems to have it’s act together.  At least philosophically.  They are a proactive society who puts value in education, health care, and non nuclear defense.  They are friendly, peaceful, and have big goals that they are actually working towards, not just talking about.  I am not sure why we would want to stifle such a wonderful country from developing all this good will.  Perhaps Scotland could teach the world a lesson.  A lesson on how to gain independence in a violent free procedure, while doing the right thing, while aiming for a better world, a better country and for a better future.  After all, all great ideas begin with a great philosophy.

 

Go Scotland!

 XO all yours,

RikkyLynn

 

 

 

Snowflakes in June <3

Rikki Lynn

Snowflakes

So I sit here alone …finally alone, and it hits me.  I hate being alone.  I’ve loved it for so many years, loved the freedom of just me and my own walls, me and my own thoughts, but my thoughts have turned to a season of gray skies and I can no longer stand to be alone with them.  The thoughts I used to find entertaining, are no more than ghosts in the night, spooking me whenever they need some amusement.  Torturing me with the past, the gray sky present, and the future which I’m not sure I want to see.  I’m afraid I have forgotten how to love.  Forgotten how to fall, forgotten how to breathe.  I laugh more these days, partly because I do not know how else to survive, and partly because I just feel I’m a visitor, and guests should always have a good time.  I’m…

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Give and Take

give and take

This little, yet so important life lesson is one that I have yet to master.  I can be quite selfish at times, and at others, so overly independent that I push away others.  I would like to think that I am a giving person, although I have certainly gotten better at it over the past few years.  I have made it a conscious effort to be there for friends when they need somebody, to stop canceling plans at the last minute because of my selfish reasons, and to remember important dates like Birthday’s and Anniversary’s.  I have truly made an effort to try and make the people that are important in my life feel special every now and then and to let them know that I care and love them.  I still feel like I am failing though.

Relationships should certainly be a two way street.  There should be a balance of give and take and neither party should feel like they are giving their all, yet getting nothing in return.  This is where I fail at relationships.  My pride is too strong to ever let anybody know that I need them.  Yes, everybody wants and needs to be and to feel needed.  Especially men.  As a pretty independent female, it is very difficult for me to admit to anybody, let alone a man, that yes, I do NEED you in my life.  I will never ask for help, never cry in front of another, and would never expect anybody else to pick up the pieces to any mess that I have made. However, that does NOT make for a healthy relationship.  It is OK to need somebody, it is OKAY to rely on somebody else, even if it is just for a moment in time.  It not only strengthens the relationship, but adds value to that other special person if your life, that they are serving some greater role than just a companion.  While it is easy for me to state this, it is much harder for me to live.

I have always thought that strength was a virtue, a quality that was sought after by others and especially by mates.  Am I strong?  Probably not.  I melt down in the shower, and before I fall asleep more times than I would ever admit.  But I am the only person who lives through those melt downs.  I do not share my sorrows or my burdens with those around me.  Ever.  I suppose it is a good reason as to why my romantic relationships do not last long.  There is no greater need for that other person, pushing aside the sex and the fact you may not have to spend every Friday night alone.  That is not how we were meant to survive, I am sure.

I have these dreams that my knight in shining armor will come to my rescue, destroy the walls that I have built and I will finally trust somebody enough, or feel comfortable enough with somebody to LET them help me, to LET them be there for me, to LET them comfort me in my times of need.  I have come to learn though, that there truly is no knight in shining armor, and people, especially men, will only give you what you are asking for, and nothing more if there is a fear of rejection of their offer.  We need to be ready to receive the comfort, we need to be ready to rely on somebody else and we need to find it okay in our hearts to lean on somebody and let them carry us for awhile.

Dr. Ian K. Smith briefly discusses in his article how it is OK for the female to be successful and independent, but to not forget that the man still needs to feel needed.  The ironic thing about this article, is in the comments about the article, instead of the article itself.  The comment section is filled with hateful and disgusting things written about both men and women.   The men are calling the women narcissistic and the women are calling the men pigs.  The men are saying that degrees and job titles mean nothing to them, that women have become overly self-involved.  Worrying about their bills, luxury clothing, degrees, makeup etc, but not worrying about their men.  Interesting point.  You may be on to something.  Got it.

So moral of this story is, perhaps it is okay to TAKE a little more often.  Of course we never want to lose our nurturing or generous spirits, but perhaps we could all have stronger relationships if we just needed and took a little bit more.

XO All yours,

rikkylynn

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/ian-k-smith-md/find-love_b_1575960.html

 

 

 

Orange is the New Black… Are we really that much different?

Perhaps, as I get more comfortable in my blogging, I will stop using disclaimers before my thoughts, but as it is at the moment, I am not quite their yet.  I am utterly grateful for my life in the U.S.  I am not so naive as to not know how vastly different and unfortunate it could be somewhere else in this world.  I am also not naive as to think that we do not have things that we need to fix, and things that need to fixed sooner than later…  That is where my opinions below come from…  Continue reading

Damaged Goods

They say that you are only as sick as the secrets you keep.  Perhaps it must be true, as I have been sharing my secrets and in return feel lighter, more at peace with this life as a result.  I suppose that my secrets aren’t even necessarily MY secrets.  They are the secrets of those around me, those things that others have done, which have affected me, and have caused me uneasiness and anxiety in shining lights on.  I truly like to think that I have it all together, that I have it all figured out, and that I am living an honestly happy life.  Some days, that is true.  Most days, it is a lie.

Can a person be damaged?  Yes, and I am. I am sure that years of growing up in an abusive household, a crazy household, an unstable household.. had something to do with the damage.  I am sure that leaving my anxiety unacknowledged and untreated for so long also had something to do with that.  And I am sure that falling in love, the only true love of my life thus far, with an alcoholic of all people, also added to the scarring.

Am I writing this to garner sympathy?  I’m not sure.  I suppose that it’s a dirty secret that I have always kept locked away.  My walls are higher than the Empire State building, and longer than the walls of China.  There are days when even I cannot break through my own walls to get to the heart of my own being.  It’s startling.  I find that writing, reading, and examining the beauty in nature helps me to reconnect to those lost and buried feelings and emotions, that I DO possess, but oh so easily keep locked away.  I date, a lot, but haven’t found those butterflies that I once had some years back.  I get nervous that the butterflies will never return.  Isn’t life about those damn butterflies?

I have found myself involved in reckless situations, experiences that other people just shake their heads at, and even those, do not bring me great deals of excitement anymore. I have already spent a great portion of 2014 experiencing life in insane and daring ways.  I have hopped a plane to Florida to live with a stranger for a long weekend (incredibly handsome stranger!), got myself quickly involved with an old fling, whom I was well aware was erring on the slightly insane side, but needed a little danger in my life, and then started the process to get in on the prison scene (as employment…. obviously!).  They have all been fun, exciting and thrilling… but they don’t phase me. I suppose I am almost like a junkie who is desperately seeking that high that they once had, but can never seem to capture any longer.  My activities get riskier and more exaggerated, and yet, they don’t fill that void, that desperate need for true happiness and that feeling of LIFE!!  How does one feel ALIVE?! Anyone?

Ah yes, repair the damage.  Back to the damage.  If you keep injuring, or injury badly enough a part of your body, there’s a chance you are going to damage the nerves and never feel pain or pleasure in that area of your body again.  Is it the same with our hearts?  Can you be stabbed and wounded so many times that you no longer feel emotion?  Can your heart finally be shattered into so many small little sharp pieces that it cannot ever possibly fit back together again? The cracks are just too many to keep any hope and love inside any longer? I certainly hope not… but I am not convinced that that’s not true.

I have believed for so many years that I do not have trust issues.  I have prided myself on the fact that I believed that I was SO trustworthy, that everybody had my full trust until they gave me a reason not too. I realized a few days ago that I have been lying to myself this entire time.  I do not trust anybody.  I do not even trust those closest to me.  I’m not sure that I even trust God sometimes.  It was a startling realization and one that I did not feel proud about.  It was devastating to me to realize that I have ruined and sabotaged so many relationships in my life over trust, and I have just to realize all of this.  It saddens me to think that my one love of my life could still be here next to me, if only I had trusted him.  I am not talking about the jealous trust, but more like, “do you have my back,” trust.  Will you be there to pick me up when I fall, kind of trust.  I have never given anybody the opportunity to be there for me.. EVER.  I am always “okay,” and I am always smiling.  My struggles are solely internal, and have never shared an ounce of them with those that I love.  I have never given anybody the chance to wipe away my tears, to hold me when I cry, or to promise me that they would take care of me.  I truly realize that if I gave somebody that opportunity, and they abandoned me, that I would break for good.  The kind of break that you don’t come back from, ya know? I now realize that I have been protecting myself from that kind of devastation for most of my life.  I have seen, heard and felt devastation in most of my younger life, and it’s not a place that you want to be.

Devastation is the lowest place on Earth, it’s the lowest place our minds and hearts can go, and devastation slowly begins to chip away at your soul.  It begins to crumble your faith, it causes you to shy away from those around you, it forces you to operate in survival mode and it makes you question the value and worth of life itself.  When you have lived in devastation for so long, you begin to find that you will do anything in your power to avoid that place ever again.  It’s like driving 100 miles out of your way just to avoid a few minutes of traffic.  It doesn’t really make sense, but you tell yourself it was necessary, and it causes you less stress, until you realize how much money in gasoline you wasted just to avoid a minor setback.  Dammit.

I just read an article by Linda Riley, which explains how we cause a lot of damage to ourselves, and questions whether or not there is a point where we become too damaged to love again.  I’m not sure that she really ever answers the question, but she makes a great point when she says that we choose the level of intimacy and trust that we put in a relationship.  The more hurt we go through, the less likely we become to put that love and trust into our next relationship, perhaps creating another relationship which will add another scar to our hearts.  The article certainly did not make me feel any better, as I’m not sure that one could ever even count the amount of scars that adorn my heart and my soul.  I truly want to believe that I will fall in love again and be able to throw caution to the wind and go in with my entire being, but I also thought that I didn’t have trust issues until a few days ago.  I do know however, that it is something that I am working on, and will continue to work on until the day I leave this Earth.  I do, so badly want to feel love, to feel peace and happiness, to feel protected and safe, and to truly trust another human being with my heart.  I will do it one day. That is for certain.

XO all yours,

RikkyLynn

http://www.cbn.com/family/marriage/riley_toodamaged.aspx