Snowflakes in June <3

Snowflakes

So I sit here alone …finally alone, and it hits me.  I hate being alone.  I’ve loved it for so many years, loved the freedom of just me and my own walls, me and my own thoughts, but my thoughts have turned to a season of gray skies and I can no longer stand to be alone with them.  The thoughts I used to find entertaining, are no more than ghosts in the night, spooking me whenever they need some amusement.  Torturing me with the past, the gray sky present, and the future which I’m not sure I want to see.  I’m afraid I have forgotten how to love.  Forgotten how to fall, forgotten how to breathe.  I laugh more these days, partly because I do not know how else to survive, and partly because I just feel I’m a visitor, and guests should always have a good time.  I’m afraid I know no feeling greater than lust, and afraid that perhaps I do.  I feel abandoned and betrayed.  I feel homeless, a wanderer with no movement.  I can remember and nearly feel the feel of “home,” yet I can’t go there.  I’m so tired of falling apart and so tired of picking up the pieces.  Perhaps I shall just leave them there on the floor, and go find better pieces somewhere else.  I’m scared of everything, and yet nothing at all. When you’ve already lost it all, what else is left to take?  Damaged much?  No, more like scrap metalled.  The days get longer and my tears are frozen.  I’ve pleaded and I’ve begged, I’ve screamed, I’ve cried more tears than I thought possible, I’ve been angry, I’ve been hurt, I’ve been numb.  It all brings me back to this.  Sitting here staring at the wall, pleading with God that I will wake up from this nightmare.  I never wake up.  So I sit here and listen to this love song that brings me back to a love story that never happened.  A love story that really only existed in my head, but brings me back those butterflies that I’m afraid I will never find again….

  It was certainly winter, right before Christmas, and the snow was falling from the sky as me and a dear friend walked home from a night out.  It’s the only moment I have ever truly felt alive.  I could feel each snowflake hit my skin, feel it melt into my body.  I could feel his lips on mine, but I could see the snow falling, see each distinct pattern each flake held, even though my eyes were closed.  I could smell the winter, could smell the cold, could feel the warmth of another body next to me, through the layers of winter coats.  I felt so alive.  I could feel the warmth of my home, the love of a family, the beautifulness of a season I so truly hate.  I could feel for a moment what true love felt like, what pure bliss was.  I wasn’t in love with him, I was infatuated with the moment, my mind was finally quiet, a quiet that I have never had.  My senses had taken over, and I was living fully, through each detail, through each second that passed.  I could feel each line on his lips, could feel the butterflies of the innocence of the moment.  The kind of nervousness that takes over you during your first kiss, yet this wasn’t my first kiss, it was an awakening of the magic that life can have.  The magic that comes from never knowing when those butterflies might find you again, from not knowing what the next moment will have in store for you.  I find whenever the sadness takes over me, when the burden of my life is becoming to great to bear, I put that song on the radio and I drift back to that moment in time.  If I felt it once, my God, I will surely find it again.  It’s the hope of that magic that makes me want to see tomorrow, gives me hope that there is still magic to be found. That moment makes me crave snowflakes in the summer.  I look back in my old writings, and I find this story, retold in so many different ways, whenever my path became darkened.  It’s the story of my true salvation, my first rite in becoming human so to speak.

I had forgotten how calming writing is.  My thoughts make so much more sense on paper than they do in my head.  To light some candles, put some music in minor on, and just release everything that keeps me from believing, that keeps me from living.  If only I could find a love affair as fulfilling as a piece of paper and a pen.  If only a lover could help me slow down time and catch every detail, every moment, every movement the way a pen can.  It’s when I write that I realize I’m not crazy.  I realize I’m far too deep than my own brain can comprehend.  I realize my soul doesn’t belong here, that it’s trapped.  I realize that perhaps maybe my soul should be the one guiding me through life, as I know not the way.  I fear perhaps I have become so lost, I’ll never find my way home again.  I too fear, that this is perhaps where I belong, lost in sorrow, drowning in tears, yet so numb inside.  So fearful to be loved, so fearful to  experience that night of snowflakes all over again, as perhaps it would be too much to bear.  

 

XO All yours,

RikkyLynn

The Power of being Female

The Birth of Venus - By Botticelli

The Birth of Venus – By Botticelli

So in an effort to getting my writing mojo on, my first few entries will be quite random …well hell, who am I fooling, they are all going to be random.

Currently being in my mid-twenties, I am just now finding out who I am. Or so I think. I am first, a female, and I love everything (almost everything) that comes with it. We females, do not have a strong physique, or powerful voice, but we have the ability to use our femininity in ways that men could never imagine accomplishing.

Being a powerful female, does NOT mean you need to be beautiful in the eyes of men, does not mean you need to be able to grace the cover of men’s dirty magazines. Being a powerful female is all in the confidence of who you are. How cliché right? Confidence? Never heard that one before…

There is a fine line between being a confident woman, being a man hater, and trying to be a man. A confident woman KNOWS that she is a lady, expects to be treated like one, and accepts nothing less. A confident woman knows her limitations, knows how to work around them, and embraces the female life entirely.

Let’s face it, it is STILL a man’s world! (I know that statement is going to cause some alarm, however outside of our sheltered America, men still run the world.) I also understand that lots of feminist readers don’t share that opinion, or cringe at the thought of it, however I am OK with it! Embracing my femininity means that I ACCEPT that I am a female, I also ACCEPT that there are weaknesses among my sex, and I ACCEPT that there is nothing more comforting than being in the presence of the stronger male sex.

Don’t get me wrong, I can hold my own. I can outsmart and outwit many a man, but that raw urge inside to be protected (no matter how long I had tried to ignore it) is still there. The safety that comes with having men on your side is unarguable to me.

That’s where the learning to play the other party begins. If I am being honest, (which I promised I would be, whether it hurts or not), I have gotten further in life dealing with men, than with women.

I support “women power,” and am a big proponent for the advocacy of women’s rights and voice, and I further believe that women need to take more time supporting other women, rather than clawing at them. I also believe that it is harder to manipulate a woman, and there is an inherent jealousy and envy when two women are dealing with each other. Us women, are always comparing ourselves to each other. Who has the better hair? Wait, my outfit is sexier. Her boobs must be fake….etc. When dealing with a man, there is none of that. Nature takes over in a different way. The natural desire to communicate, be close, and to be protected kick in. If you show a man a little respect, pay attention to his words, and make him feel valued, then HE values YOU. A connection is made. Men and women by nature are meant to go together.. when this translates over to business, it makes making deals easier and more efficient!

I have learned that if you approach a man and are displaying a strength meant to compete with him, or intimidate his own strength, you are not going to get very far. Men certainly want a challenge.. however, (if there sexual preference is straight), they do not want to be dealing with a female, who is acting like a man. Tap into that femininity and use it. It is one of our greatest strengths to being a female! Let’s not forget who we are, in exchange for trying to change nature and be the man that we certainly are not.

Of course I am not touching every base here. There are women who feel more comfortable living and engaging in masculine activities, and there are plenty of men who enjoy expressing their feminine side. I am only writing from my own experiences, my own values/opinions, and what I have seen of the world through these two eyes. I am made up of contradictions and misbeliefs at times, however they are MINE. This is what this journey for me is about …

All yours,

RikkyLynn

Intro to the Real Thing

Truth Starts

This is me.  Uncensored, unedited, raw, dirty, imaginative, and offensive at times.  I do not ask that you always agree with me, I enjoy controversy, however, how free can it be to just say and express everything that we feel and are?  My mission is to be free.  I hope that you join me, disagree with me, laugh at me, maybe take some advice, strike up a conversation, or perhaps feel free yourself, because I just said and admitted something you never would! 

I am on a mission every morning I wake up to find me.

I know who I am in public, at work, with my friends/family etc …but who am I to myself?  We are about to find out…

♥ All Yours,

RikkyLynn