Give and Take

give and take

This little, yet so important life lesson is one that I have yet to master.  I can be quite selfish at times, and at others, so overly independent that I push away others.  I would like to think that I am a giving person, although I have certainly gotten better at it over the past few years.  I have made it a conscious effort to be there for friends when they need somebody, to stop canceling plans at the last minute because of my selfish reasons, and to remember important dates like Birthday’s and Anniversary’s.  I have truly made an effort to try and make the people that are important in my life feel special every now and then and to let them know that I care and love them.  I still feel like I am failing though.

Relationships should certainly be a two way street.  There should be a balance of give and take and neither party should feel like they are giving their all, yet getting nothing in return.  This is where I fail at relationships.  My pride is too strong to ever let anybody know that I need them.  Yes, everybody wants and needs to be and to feel needed.  Especially men.  As a pretty independent female, it is very difficult for me to admit to anybody, let alone a man, that yes, I do NEED you in my life.  I will never ask for help, never cry in front of another, and would never expect anybody else to pick up the pieces to any mess that I have made. However, that does NOT make for a healthy relationship.  It is OK to need somebody, it is OKAY to rely on somebody else, even if it is just for a moment in time.  It not only strengthens the relationship, but adds value to that other special person if your life, that they are serving some greater role than just a companion.  While it is easy for me to state this, it is much harder for me to live.

I have always thought that strength was a virtue, a quality that was sought after by others and especially by mates.  Am I strong?  Probably not.  I melt down in the shower, and before I fall asleep more times than I would ever admit.  But I am the only person who lives through those melt downs.  I do not share my sorrows or my burdens with those around me.  Ever.  I suppose it is a good reason as to why my romantic relationships do not last long.  There is no greater need for that other person, pushing aside the sex and the fact you may not have to spend every Friday night alone.  That is not how we were meant to survive, I am sure.

I have these dreams that my knight in shining armor will come to my rescue, destroy the walls that I have built and I will finally trust somebody enough, or feel comfortable enough with somebody to LET them help me, to LET them be there for me, to LET them comfort me in my times of need.  I have come to learn though, that there truly is no knight in shining armor, and people, especially men, will only give you what you are asking for, and nothing more if there is a fear of rejection of their offer.  We need to be ready to receive the comfort, we need to be ready to rely on somebody else and we need to find it okay in our hearts to lean on somebody and let them carry us for awhile.

Dr. Ian K. Smith briefly discusses in his article how it is OK for the female to be successful and independent, but to not forget that the man still needs to feel needed.  The ironic thing about this article, is in the comments about the article, instead of the article itself.  The comment section is filled with hateful and disgusting things written about both men and women.   The men are calling the women narcissistic and the women are calling the men pigs.  The men are saying that degrees and job titles mean nothing to them, that women have become overly self-involved.  Worrying about their bills, luxury clothing, degrees, makeup etc, but not worrying about their men.  Interesting point.  You may be on to something.  Got it.

So moral of this story is, perhaps it is okay to TAKE a little more often.  Of course we never want to lose our nurturing or generous spirits, but perhaps we could all have stronger relationships if we just needed and took a little bit more.

XO All yours,