They say that you are only as sick as the secrets you keep. Perhaps it must be true, as I have been sharing my secrets and in return feel lighter, more at peace with this life as a result. I suppose that my secrets aren’t even necessarily MY secrets. They are the secrets of those around me, those things that others have done, which have affected me, and have caused me uneasiness and anxiety in shining lights on. I truly like to think that I have it all together, that I have it all figured out, and that I am living an honestly happy life. Some days, that is true. Most days, it is a lie.
Can a person be damaged? Yes, and I am. I am sure that years of growing up in an abusive household, a crazy household, an unstable household.. had something to do with the damage. I am sure that leaving my anxiety unacknowledged and untreated for so long also had something to do with that. And I am sure that falling in love, the only true love of my life thus far, with an alcoholic of all people, also added to the scarring.
Am I writing this to garner sympathy? I’m not sure. I suppose that it’s a dirty secret that I have always kept locked away. My walls are higher than the Empire State building, and longer than the walls of China. There are days when even I cannot break through my own walls to get to the heart of my own being. It’s startling. I find that writing, reading, and examining the beauty in nature helps me to reconnect to those lost and buried feelings and emotions, that I DO possess, but oh so easily keep locked away. I date, a lot, but haven’t found those butterflies that I once had some years back. I get nervous that the butterflies will never return. Isn’t life about those damn butterflies?
I have found myself involved in reckless situations, experiences that other people just shake their heads at, and even those, do not bring me great deals of excitement anymore. I have already spent a great portion of 2014 experiencing life in insane and daring ways. I have hopped a plane to Florida to live with a stranger for a long weekend (incredibly handsome stranger!), got myself quickly involved with an old fling, whom I was well aware was erring on the slightly insane side, but needed a little danger in my life, and then started the process to get in on the prison scene (as employment…. obviously!). They have all been fun, exciting and thrilling… but they don’t phase me. I suppose I am almost like a junkie who is desperately seeking that high that they once had, but can never seem to capture any longer. My activities get riskier and more exaggerated, and yet, they don’t fill that void, that desperate need for true happiness and that feeling of LIFE!! How does one feel ALIVE?! Anyone?
Ah yes, repair the damage. Back to the damage. If you keep injuring, or injury badly enough a part of your body, there’s a chance you are going to damage the nerves and never feel pain or pleasure in that area of your body again. Is it the same with our hearts? Can you be stabbed and wounded so many times that you no longer feel emotion? Can your heart finally be shattered into so many small little sharp pieces that it cannot ever possibly fit back together again? The cracks are just too many to keep any hope and love inside any longer? I certainly hope not… but I am not convinced that that’s not true.
I have believed for so many years that I do not have trust issues. I have prided myself on the fact that I believed that I was SO trustworthy, that everybody had my full trust until they gave me a reason not too. I realized a few days ago that I have been lying to myself this entire time. I do not trust anybody. I do not even trust those closest to me. I’m not sure that I even trust God sometimes. It was a startling realization and one that I did not feel proud about. It was devastating to me to realize that I have ruined and sabotaged so many relationships in my life over trust, and I have just to realize all of this. It saddens me to think that my one love of my life could still be here next to me, if only I had trusted him. I am not talking about the jealous trust, but more like, “do you have my back,” trust. Will you be there to pick me up when I fall, kind of trust. I have never given anybody the opportunity to be there for me.. EVER. I am always “okay,” and I am always smiling. My struggles are solely internal, and have never shared an ounce of them with those that I love. I have never given anybody the chance to wipe away my tears, to hold me when I cry, or to promise me that they would take care of me. I truly realize that if I gave somebody that opportunity, and they abandoned me, that I would break for good. The kind of break that you don’t come back from, ya know? I now realize that I have been protecting myself from that kind of devastation for most of my life. I have seen, heard and felt devastation in most of my younger life, and it’s not a place that you want to be.
Devastation is the lowest place on Earth, it’s the lowest place our minds and hearts can go, and devastation slowly begins to chip away at your soul. It begins to crumble your faith, it causes you to shy away from those around you, it forces you to operate in survival mode and it makes you question the value and worth of life itself. When you have lived in devastation for so long, you begin to find that you will do anything in your power to avoid that place ever again. It’s like driving 100 miles out of your way just to avoid a few minutes of traffic. It doesn’t really make sense, but you tell yourself it was necessary, and it causes you less stress, until you realize how much money in gasoline you wasted just to avoid a minor setback. Dammit.
I just read an article by Linda Riley, which explains how we cause a lot of damage to ourselves, and questions whether or not there is a point where we become too damaged to love again. I’m not sure that she really ever answers the question, but she makes a great point when she says that we choose the level of intimacy and trust that we put in a relationship. The more hurt we go through, the less likely we become to put that love and trust into our next relationship, perhaps creating another relationship which will add another scar to our hearts. The article certainly did not make me feel any better, as I’m not sure that one could ever even count the amount of scars that adorn my heart and my soul. I truly want to believe that I will fall in love again and be able to throw caution to the wind and go in with my entire being, but I also thought that I didn’t have trust issues until a few days ago. I do know however, that it is something that I am working on, and will continue to work on until the day I leave this Earth. I do, so badly want to feel love, to feel peace and happiness, to feel protected and safe, and to truly trust another human being with my heart. I will do it one day. That is for certain.
XO all yours,